Settling in has always excited me. Settling into myself, the world, and the next step in my journey. The feeling you get when you have a confidence you don’t remember and an understanding you can’t explain. A willingness to step out from behind your parent’s protective shadow into the world where I’m-old-enough-to-call-on-my-own and to-take-responsibility and to-solve-my-own-problems. It’s a feeling of contentment at the end of the day knowing you did it on your own. You set the appointment up, you did the research, you found the alternative, YOU…solved the problem. Do you know that I’m talking about?
College has been an experiment in me doing things. Mom probably would’ve done it for me, but there’s something about having a parent set up all the events related to college. It’s kinda off-limits. It’s my turn to try it, to truly take ownership of this new chapter. To become my own person without “little-sisterisms” clouding the view. Moving here without older siblings was new. For the first time it was me, all alone at the top, the pointy end of the ice-breaking spear. I could no longer slide in after my brothers, I had to open the door. For the first time I wasn’t tagging along as an after thought to events, I was invited, just for me. Not saying other people didn’t want me to be there, it’s just different when you’re the one they talk to and ask. And now, CJ and I stick pretty close, although I’m the oldest, CJ is better at opening doors and always will be. =)
It’s fun. The idea of a grown-up me, confidently handling the pressures of a job, school and relationships. Okay, maybe that’s idealistic, but still it’s what I want to grow into. And I see some of it already, making decisions, plotting courses, deciding. Me. Not Mom, not Dad, me. Feeling I can truly do what I want (within reason) and go wherever I feel led for college>career>life. Stepping off the edge into an unknown, feeling for the next step, waiting for direction. Living life a new way, different from anything ever before! Excited? You could say that…I’m pumped to be doing this, all the while still sensing the support in the shadows, ready to catch, advise, prompt, applaud…be there. Look out world, here I come!
(Okay, the last sentence was cheesy and sometimes I wish I could curl up and it would all go away, but for the most part I’m super psyched for this next step!)
1 Comment
October 29, 2009 at 10:50 am
i agree with your post note. why can’t we just sit around at the beach everyday? the world would be a much better place if everyone had a nice, warm beach that they could go to everyday.